you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
