Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
