Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
