You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
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Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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