I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?