Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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