the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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