They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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