WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
