Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Two words: blizzard sex
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
