I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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