Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
