So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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