i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
