Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
