I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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