I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
