she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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