Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
