My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
