Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
