I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
