You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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