YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
