I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
