hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
