so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
