Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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