Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
