I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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