somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She's the barista slut.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
