omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
