You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
