I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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