Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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