I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
