it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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