imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
