Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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