i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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