so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
