I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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