Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
