I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
