Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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