He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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