i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
