Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
