tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
pray to the hookup gods
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
