if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
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I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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