u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
