She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
