it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
