You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
