rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You left your phone here
Wait...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
