God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
