FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
