so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
