His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
