Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
