im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
