Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I just googled if crying burns calories
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apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
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Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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