Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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